I have been going through some old notebooks of mine and happened to come across a journal entry from 2019.
Over the years, I've always made a conscious effort to write down my thoughts. Honestly, it was the only way I could really express myself without being judged or called "sensitive".
As I wrote, I never thought about how what I wrote could be used in the future, I just wanted to release my thoughts. I also wanted to read things back so I could understand exactly how I was feeling at the time and move forward with the emotions I was having.
Today, I've decided to share a very personal story because I believe it could help release someone from living a life of self-destruction.
Many believe that things such as drugs, violence, and crime are the only ways to live a life of destruction. But many of us fail to realize there are many other things that could lead us down a dark path.
Example being, THE WAY YOU THINK.
In 2019, life had gotten off to a really rough start and I came to realize things needed to change.
At the time of the journal entry I was a 25-year-old single mother who had just lost everything.
I was living with my three year old son when we suddenly lost our cozy two bedroom apartment in the suburbs of Atlanta due to a flood.
After a week of staying in a hotel and two more weeks of more flooding and attempting to sort things out with the leasing company, I decided it was best to just move.
Fortunately, I had renters insurance so I filed a claim. The funds I received from it was all I had to my name.
I had just quit my job right before the flood so I had no income and no savings.
Sleeping on the couch of my son’s babysitter felt like rock bottom.
What should I do next?
My mother insisted I went back to my hometown to stay with my Grandmother who has just been diagnosed with Dementia.
I felt like a failure.
Every time I looked in the mirror, I got sick to my stomach wondering why is this happening to me?
I cut my hair off and over the span of two months lost 35lbs. I wasn’t eating, barely sleeping, and definitely didn't care about how I looked.
I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Not to mention I was behind on my car payments.
On top of everything I had going on, I now had to take care of my grandmother, my son, and try to find a job so I could save up some money.
To be honest, I was so lost. I cringed at the thought of living check to check making minimum wage, even though didn’t have two pennies to rub together.
Looking back, now I understand that my thoughts and the way I spoke manifested the life I was presently living.
I was thinking negatively. I wasn't being humble.
I was angry all the time about everything.
I wanted to have someone to blame for all my issues so I did. I blamed everyone except myself.
When I got angry I was unkind with my words, which escalated into even bigger issues. Thinking about it now, I realize that there were really no issues in the first place, I created them with my words and thoughts.
Instead of being grateful for having my grandmother, I was angry that I had to stay with her.
Instead of being patient with her and understanding her condition, I got frustrated.
I felt like I was failing at life and continued to make excuses.
It was in the midst of my chaos I concluded that if I continue to live in this mindset, things would never change for me.
It has been several years since that journal entry and thankfully things have changed for the better.
I learned that the only way out, was to go through life with a renewed mindset.
In the middle of a pandemic, I was able to save up, start a business, and I was approved for an apartment in Buckhead, Atlanta.
Don't get me wrong, everything wasn't perfect and I still returned to old habits, but I didn't get down on myself and I didn't stay there. I confronted those issues within me.
In this strive to become "better", I began putting my thoughts in a position to win.
Coming across my journal was exactly what I needed. As I read it, I could do nothing but be thankful.
I needed the reminder to stay positive and to be mindful of the way I speak to myself and others even when things are going good.
Once you get passed the low moments it's so easy to forget the humbling life lessons.
Take this time to reflect on your conversations with people. Not just your words, but your thoughts and your intentions.
There is truly life and death in your tongue.
If we are perpetually speaking down on our circumstances, if we can't find anything good to say, then no good will come.
We have to focus. Although we may not see the results right away, we have to trust divine timing.
Over the years, I've learned that most of the time, God is waiting on us. We must find the strength to keep our hearts on the promises no matter what.
It's time for us to take responsibility and hold ourselves accountable. Being intentional with ourselves and those around us.
Challenge yourself and your thoughts, it will do nothing but bring more goodness into your life.
